Suicide and the affects it has on many.

October 1, 2011 will forever be remembered in a sad way.  That evening, I received a phone call saying that a Alain Giannone had taken his life that morning.  Alain was from Portugal, worked for our trainer and was like a big brother to Emily, Sarah and Lizzie.  I became friends with his mom Sharon via Facebook and we chatted often.  Alain referred to me as his American mom and the girls as his little sisters.  At shows, he was protective of the girls and made sure guys didn't flirt too much with them!!  He was a talented rider and his smile lit up a room!

Alain Giannone

To say the girls were devastated is an understatement.  Alain was 28 so he was old enough to give them "brotherly advice" yet young enough hang with them and not embarrass them! :)

The girls couldn't understand why Alain would do this, they wondered if they had talked to him more often, maybe he wouldn't have killed himself.  So many things they didn't understand.  I was sad and then I was angry.  I was angry that he did this and how it affected so many people.  The other part of my brain knew that there were obviously more demons following him than most knew.  I was angry that I had to tell my daughters that someone dear to them had taken his life.  I was angry when I had to make the phone call to Emily and tell her and then listen to her cry.  I was angry when Lizzie lay in her bed crying saying she didn't understand and how much it hurt.  I was angry when the reality hit Sarah and held her when she cried.  I was angry when I thought of his mother.... knowing her heart had been ripped out.  I was angry but knew I had to forgive him because I didn't want to be consumed by the anger.

On the Wednesday after Alain died, my phone rang and when I looked at the long list of numbers, I knew it was his mother Sharon.  Hearing her voice almost dropped me to my knees.  The heart of a mother, while not knowing the full extent of the pain, understands the pain.  Sharon said that she wanted me to know how much Alain thought of me and the girls.  How he spoke of the girls and their riding and that he always referred to me as "mom" and the girls as his little sisters.  I will forever be grateful of that phone call.  It meant so much to me.

Emily, Sarah and Lizzie all went to Ocala, Florida to Alain's Celebration of Life.  Sarah and Lizzie were already scheduled to go and ride that weekend and Emily drove in from Georgia.  I had mixed emotions of them going because of how raw their feelings still were but knew that it would be important in the closure for them.  Although it was not how they had wanted to meet Alain's parents and brother, they were thankful they did.

I know that Alain is watching the girls and is smiling.  I know that he is no longer in pain.  Of course I wish I had known or had some inkling of an idea, we all do.  Suicide takes on a life (death) of it's own.  It consumes the person, the pain they feel is so real and they just want their pain to end.  What they don't realize is the pain so many feel because of it.  Lives are forever changed, families will never be the same, the lives they touched will now have a void.

I think of Alain often and I am so sad that his life was cut short.  But I'm thankful for the year and a half we knew him!  It was a good season!  We will see you again.