Euthanasia: Making that gut wrenching decision....

As everyone knows, making the decision to put your pet down is never easy. We ended 2015 with doing just that.

Our dog Missy, who was 15, had a tumor on her leg that could not be completely removed because of it's location.  They could remove some of it, or amputate the leg.... 1) Putting a 15 year old through a surgery to not remove all is was not ok in my mind. 2) Amputating the leg of a 15 year old was not even a consideration.

Did I mention that Missy was deaf and had cataracts? 

Even when it seems like the right thing to do, you question yourself.  

I've sat on the kitchen floor and cried contemplating this decision while Missy came over, wagged her tail and nudged my face as if to say, "It's ok, it's my time"

Eric and I were going to have her put down before the girls came home for Christmas.  I wanted to shield them from the hurt, but then I realized that Missy has been with them for 15 years, such a huge part of their life.  I sent a text to all three girls telling them (they knew at Thanksgiving it would be happening but we didn't know WHEN) that I felt her leg was starting to bother her and we felt it was time.  I asked if they wanted to be with her and all 3 said yes.  I cried. Again. I cried because it meant so much to me that they wanted to be with her, honestly, I'm not sure I could've done it at their age.  

The only time all 3 girls were going to be home was at Christmas so the day after Christmas we left for the vet.  We knew we wanted to bury Missy on our property so Eric had previously dug a hole because we didn't know if it was going to be snowing.  Thankfully this was a no snow Christmas. Here are some things I'd love to share with you on this subject:

~If you have children, don't assume they don't want to be part of it. Don't think you are shielding them from pain. Let them make that decision.

~Talk to your vet, ours was so supportive. Find out the details. Our vet had a separate room with a couple of chairs and a rug so it wasn't the "sterile" room.  There were tons of treats and they encouraged us to give her as many as we wanted.  

~Our vet was so kind and told us exactly how the procedure would happen. She gave us time to hang out with Missy.  There is absolutely no way to prepare yourself for this. We talked to her (even though she was deaf) and loved on her and I will tell you, Missy knew she was loved. There is no doubt in my mind. 

~Don't remove their collar.  I actually read this a few weeks prior. A friend had posted a blog from a vet tech saying the things they wished people knew when it came time to euthanize.  At least in our home, when we took the collar off, it meant bath time and they were so excited when we put it back on! I would NEVER had thought of that and I'm not sure if I would've thought to remove it before she was euthanized but I was thankful to have read that.

Eric said it was harder to bury Missy than watch her be put down. He said it didn't seem right burying her and he said that he felt bad knowing she was there by herself.  Cue the sobbing.... (of course I reminded him that she wasn't there, only her body) Emily carried her from the car (she was wrapped in a quilted blanket) which absolutely tore me up.  I don't know if I could've done that. But I realized that we all did exactly what we could and were supposed to do that day. quilted blanket which was 

15 years is a long time... Eric isn't really an animal lover like we are and honestly, I think this hit him the hardest. You just never know how people are affected.  

In the end, it's such a tough decision but the animal's quality of life should be the most important.  It was important for us that Missy not suffer.  She was a rescue and lived a fantastic life.  She followed me from room to room in the house, she was such a loyal animal.  Was she annoying at times? Absolutely. But amazingly those annoying times disappear and you do only remember the good!  Love your animals! They depend on you!

Final Junior Equitation Year, A Mother's Reflection

After having 3 daughters compete on the A Circuit, in Hunter/Jumper/Equitation, I am currently sitting in the kitchen of some friends in Haverford, Pa.  Tomorrow we will pick up our youngest daughter Lizzie from the airport in Harrisburg for the beginning of the end of Equitation Finals.  We've been attending Medal, Maclay, USET, WIHS one, all or a mixture of some since 2004. (Seriously, isn't there an award for the parents who've sat through 11 years of Equitation Finals?!!)

If I'm completely honest, as much of a nervous wreck as I was at the first one in 2004, I'm equally feeling the nerves with this being the FINAL. I always knew there was "next year" and it's such a mixture of feelings knowing this is it as a Junior Rider.

Here is what we've always tried to convey to our daughters:

1) This (riding) doesn't define who you are as a person, it is PART of who you are.  We've worked hard to keep a balance in your life and have been fortunate enough to make that happen. 

2) Faith: Stay grounded and humble.  I'm incredibly thankful that each of you girls have experienced going on mission trips and having a heart for those less fortunate. 

3) Family: No matter how crazed someone makes you, we are family.  Your family will always be there, through the good and the bad.  Friends will come and go but WE, family, are the ones that will help to pick up the pieces or cheer the loudest or cry (mom) when my heart is so proud of you I feel like it will explode!

4) Education: This is something no one can ever take away from you.  It might be a pain, you might not want to do the homework, but you need it.  Will you have to learn things you might not ever use in your life? Most likely. But it's more than that. It's a growing experience you shouldn't miss out on. You will grow/mature in ways you didn't know you could. I promise!

So as I'm reflecting on this amazing, joyful, painful, emotional, ecstatic, gut- wrenching journey, here is what I want our daughters to know:  

Your father and I are so incredibly proud of you! 

To Emily: For starting us on this journey. As the firstborn, you were the leader and at times the guinea pig. We learned what we should and shouldn't do in regards to horses. You were the leader in our journey.  You graduated from high school and went to the University Of Georgia.  You were part of the Equestrian team, you were part of a National Champion team. Was it all roses? Absolutely not.  Have you learned valuable lessons? Absolutely.  We are incredibly proud of the fact that you were working for Carter's (baby clothes) a month after you graduated from college. The fact that you do Product Development and Sourcing for Little Baby Basics and Carter's seasonal bodysuit pant sets (boys and girls lines) still boggles my mind! We are so proud of you Emily!! Keep moving forward and be true to who you are!

To Sarah: To our middle child who honestly makes us laugh daily. You came into the horses I believe by being the middle child, it seemed like the thing to do. You are cautious by nature and when we started riding with Aaron Vale, you were pushed outside your comfort zone immediately! You never had a desire to do Jumpers and went on to win the NAL Jumper Classic

http://www.barnmice.com/profiles/blogs/sarah-van-der-walde-won-the-10-000-north-american-league-children

https://youtu.be/_zAjeRFWAYA

You will jokingly say this is where you peaked and it was all downhill from there.  While this was a peak moment for you, you pushed through other not so comfortable times.  You, by your choice, made the decision to not compete in your last Junior year. You were accepted into the University of Michigan and chose to pursue the next chapter of your life there.  While this didn't include the competitiveness of the Equestrian world, you have embraced being in a sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma. You are now a Junior in the School of Information, hoping to have a Minor in German and Applied Statistics.... You amaze us! 

To Lizzie: The baby of the family and in all honesty, the one who benefited the most when it comes to riding. You started this riding journey when you were 3.  Some will say that you are naturally talented at this.  We still say, family, faith and education before this. Your high school education and riding is what had you being a top recruit in riding in college. While there were several colleges recruiting you, you had your heart set on one, the University of South Carolina. As it turned out, by chance, they were your last college visit. While others offered you more in scholarship, you knew that South Carolina was where you belonged.  As your parents, we couldn't agree more.  

As you are finishing the end of your last Junior year, remember this. Remember who you are and where you come from. Remember that you are an amazing person and you have an incredible journey ahead of you. Listen to those that are giving you advice and constructive criticism. Enjoy this journey!!  Do your very best and be happy with it!

In the end, we love each of you for where you are and we are your biggest cheerleaders! 

As your mom, I will continue to cry at the drop of a hat.  I am your biggest fan and your worst critic, but in the end, I will always love you.  

Mom

  

Slowly retiring from my full-time job...

                                    Job Description: MOM

Duties: Anything and everything, things you knew you could do and things you had no idea you were capable of doing, things that make you laugh and things that make you fall to the floor in a pile of goo and cry.

Length of employment: Forever

I joined the workforce of MOM in 1992.  I took on additional jobs in 1995 and 1997.  This is the hardest job I've EVER had.  Seriously, the hardest.  So hard that I wish I had added more jobs to my resume.  (There has to be a little crazy in there somewhere to keep adding on job after job!) 

I have been fortunate to work full time at my job. But my full time job has been fading into part time over the last few years.  I've seen it coming, the writing on the wall.... your jobs start to be taken over by themselves.  You know that's how it should be but you really want to keep your full time job.  I mean come on, no one knows this job the way I do right?! How can this job have any idea what it takes to see it through the day?! And yet, it does....  or it doesn't and the job will now have it's own growing pains and learning curves.

I have mixed feelings of heading into semi-retirement. The freedom that comes with it feels exciting yet scary and at times I feel bad about being excited!! Sometimes I feel like we should get more dogs. I've mentioned this to Eric on several occasions and he walks out of the room.... The scary part is that sometimes I feel like our "jobs" will no longer need us when the reality is that they do, and they will.  It will just be on a whole new level.  

I'm choosing to embrace the joy that will come from being an empty nester.  I'm wanting to go from room to room purging and this makes Eric very nervous... In truth, I've been purging over the last year and I do it when he is out of town! The amount of "stuff" accumulated over the years is mind boggling! We have some boxes in the basement labeled "LAKE HOUSE" that I swear to you has been there for 10+ years. I'm guessing that when the day comes that I get my lake house, I will not want what is in those boxes... 

Our youngest is graduating high school in one week. ONE WEEK!!! CRAP! So much to do!!! And yet I sit here procrastinating... or maybe I've realized that everything will get done and it will all be fine.  Nope... procrastinating for sure... but as usual, when I get so overwhelmed with what needs to be done, I just sit because I can't decide what to do first. The washing machine just beeped that it's done, there is a pile of clothes in a chair that needs to be folded, there are rooms that need to be cleaned because we have company coming into town starting Sunday!!!  And yet, I sit here... The reality is that I will shove things in unused rooms/closets and shut the door and say to myself, "I'll do all that after the kids leave for college" 

Oh and if you need me, I'll most likely be looking at pictures and getting all emotional, because it's just what I do....

  

The year 2015, a clean slate.

Am I the only one that is looking at the entire year as a clean slate? Does this mean that 2014 was horrible? No. Does it mean it had more moments that I wish hadn't happen? Most likely yes... Do the good moments outweigh the bad? ABSOLUTELY.  So then, why is it that the bad moments are the ones that get put on repeat in my brain? 

My goal for 2015 is to train my brain to highlight the good more than the bad. 

If I'm to be honest, I will tell you that 2014 was an emotionally/spiritually  challenging year for me.  I won't go into detail because that would involve other people and their hearts and that's just unfair. My heart was tested more than I thought possible by family near and far and by walking through the fire with a friend as she fights her own battle.  

Spiritually: Pretty much felt like I was in the valley the entire year.  Have you ever felt that way? Feeling spiritually numb? Yep, that was me in 2014.  I went through all the motions, church, women's bible study and volunteering.  I did what I was supposed to do but for me, the passion and the hunger was missing. I do believe that without my women's small group, I might have slipped down that hole.... I am certain that they will read this and be like, "I had NO idea!" and "why didn't you talk to us?!" But for me, having the commitment and the time with them kept my head above water as I was treading through the year.  This group of women kept the flame alive.  They are my spiritual rope and pull me up when I'm sinking.  If you don't have a group or person that is your spiritual rope, I highly recommend it.  Maybe you are that rope for someone. We all need someone to pull us up when we are slipping.

Emotionally: I am a mom to 3 daughters (ages 22, 19, 17) and I'm quite certain that menopause is lurking very close by! So given the ages of our daughters and me in mid-life, I'd say the emotional roller coaster could be a part of our life for a while! So given that, I have to learn to take a very deep breath.  I have to learn to think before I speak. I have to learn that repeating myself 15-20 times might be a bit overkill.  I have to learn to let go. (WHAT?? *&^%##%^$) Ok, maybe I start with baby steps! I have to learn that people, including myself, only post the good on social media!!!  Oh, if our lives were really how we portray them to be.... I mean, everything I post is true but I only post the good, the happy, the motivating, the "everything is roses" because honestly people, you don't want me to post the messy stuff!!  Besides, we all have messy stuff, messy lives, we are hurt, we are broken, we are a mess! And that's just part of life!  

So with all the good and all the messy, 2015 is a clean slate.  Let's all start fresh, let's reach for those that keep our head above water, let's be present in the lives of those that means the most to us.  Let's remember that family, no matter how emotional they make us, they are OURS and no matter what, those people will be the ones standing, waiting, hugging, loving and forgiving us when we are at our worst! Let's try and be a little more gentle with them, after all, they will be around the longest.....

Losing loved ones.

December 26, 2012   I lost a family friend to liver cancer. He was diagnosed January of 2012.  I went to see Charlie in August, he got tired easily but was still going to work.  It was a wonderful visit but on my drive from Columbus back to Michigan I had time to think about the fact that plans were being made for when he was no longer alive.  I mean, his wife and I talked about this and the things that Charlie wanted to make sure were in place for her, trying to decide if they should sell their home because he didn't want her to have to take care of their large property, etc.  Having the "I probably won't make it to the end of the year" conversation was very real.  I had 3 hours to let this soak in and wondered how I, if given the same diagnosis, would handle it.  Charlie took a hot air balloon ride, walked one of his daughters down the isle and connected with old friends.  I went back to see Charlie December 9th and he wasn't doing very well.  I felt certain that would be the last time I saw him alive.  We didn't think he would make it the week.  I had to be back in Columbus on Dec 17th with Emily and we went to see him again.  He was so proud of my girls when we talked about their riding, Sarah being accepted to colleges and Emily interviewing for Internships.  Before we left, Charlie told Teri that they needed to contact their neighbor who works for Limited Brands and put a good word in for Emily.  That was Charlie, always thinking of others.  That was to be my last hug and last goodbye to Charlie.  He died 9 days later.  Charlie was 57.


January 5, 2012   I just returned home from the viewing of the mother of a friend.  Wendy's mother passed away on Wednesday.  It was very fast.  Wendy saw her mom at 10am Wed morning and she passed away at 11pm that night. I didn't know Wendy's mother but listening to Wendy talk about all the things her mother taught her and her love of horses and the plans they had of doing things together broke my heart.  There was no time to make plans, no time for talking about what you would like to have done with your home, your animals, etc.  It happened so fast.  Wendy is still numb and in shock as anyone would be.  

Death happens, none of us can avoid it.  Will we ever be prepared?  I don't think so, no matter how well we have things in order or how fast it happens, no one if fully prepared for death.  

Hug your kids, your spouse, your parents, your friends.  Stop and listen, really listen when they speak to you.  I find myself half listening if I'm doing something else I think is more important.  Nothing is more important than the relationships we have with those we love.  I have promised myself to be in the moment when someone is talking to me.  I hope you will too.

Letter to my graduating senior.

The first question I have is, "how did we get here so fast?"


I swear it feels like last week when your dad and I brought you home from the hospital.  I remember looking at you and thinking that this moment would last forever and you would stay wrapped up in a blanket in my arms.  I'm not quite sure how 18 years literally flew by but it did.  


I had read that when your child reaches their Senior year in High School, they become, at times, hard to live with. They are trying to separate themselves and to assert their independence.  I read that this transition makes going off to college easier on the parents!  This is a true statement to some degree!


Please know that I am so happy for you and I'm so excited for this new chapter in your life!  My brain knows this but my heart feels something different.  


I will try and explain what is going on inside my head and heart.  In my head I know that this is the next step in life and you are going to grow on many levels.  When you complete your first year of college, you will be a different person than you are now.  You will understand this in time.  In my head I know that you are going to have challenges and there will be decisions you are going to have to make on your own and this is a part of growing up.  In my head I know that you will probably fall on your face a few times and have to get up and figure it out on your own and that this too, is part of life.  


Here is what is happening in my heart:


Every time you leave for school, I know it's one day closer to graduating and another day closer to college.  I want time to slow way down.


I realize that it's your last dance, or prom or homecoming and I just want to cherish that moment.  So if I tell you that I want to take more pictures, don't get mad, please know that I'm savoring the moment and I want to be able to look at the pictures over and over and over.


I know that you are over the edge excited about leaving for college but know that when you say, "I can't wait for my freedom!", while my head says, "it's ok, it's normal", my heart feel something different.


Your senior year, in particular is very emotional for me.  While I am planning for your Graduation, Grad party, College, etc., I will have more moments of reminiscing.  If you walk into a room and I'm sitting quietly looking through old things of yours, don't think this is silly or dumb.  Come sit with me and let's look through it together.  If I get a bit emotional, give me a hug and try to remember that you've been under my roof for 18 years and it's been my job to raise you, to take care of you and yes, prepare you for this time.  While I've been busy preparing you for this time, I've forgotten to prepare myself.  But I feel that as a Mom, we are not ever prepared.  


I will talk more about when you were a baby, toddler, young child.  Don't think this is silly or dumb but understand that my heart is wanting to go back to those moments and sit a while longer.  


I will cry.... a lot.  Don't take this as all bad.  I will be crying because yes, I am so incredibly sad that I blinked and you were off to college but I will be crying because I'm happy for you!  I'm happy for your accomplishments and I'm happy for the person you are and for what lies ahead for you.  


If I walk into your room and sit on your bed, welcome me.  Talk to me about your day, your thoughts, your fears, your joys.  Remember that for me, I know that when you are off to college, I won't be able to do this.  My heart needs this.  Our relationship will be better because of it.


Remember the things we taught you when you are faced with challenges because there will be bigger ones in college.  Remember your morals, your values and your integrity.  Hold on to those.  Remember that you ALWAYS have a choice.  Remember that the choices you make can and will be positive or negative and you determine that outcome.  Take responsibility for your choices.   Pray.  Don't blame others. Pray.  Look past the moment.  Pray.  Be a leader.  Pray.  Be a friend.  Study.  Study some more.  


Because of the internet, much of what you do will be posted in some social media.  Choose wisely.  Ask yourself, "Do I want this showing up in a few years?"  "How do I want others to perceive me?"  "Do I want a potential employer to see this?" "Do I want my grandma to see this?"  "Do I want my high school pastor to see this?"  Think before you post!  You will thank me, I promise!


Most of all, have fun and enjoy these years because as you will see, they will fly by all too fast!  You will make lifelong friends during your college years.  You will have some amazing opportunities come your way.  Enjoy them!  Take advantage of them!  










  

Sarah's Jr/Sr Prom 2012

Sarah and Jake

We have just completed our second prom as the parents of daughters!  I never realized what a production prom is!  You don't just get a dress and a new pair of shoes anymore.  On some levels, I felt as if we were preparing for her wedding day and since this obviously wasn't, I can only imagine what that day will be like!


Here is some of what goes into "Prom"


"The Dress" - And when I say "the dress", I mean hours of shopping is spent on this.  Store after store, dress after dress..... I will say that Sarah and some of her girlfriends did this legwork and I was called in to view the "chosen" few and hopefully take a lucky dress to the register!  After the chosen three were tried on and I was having a heart attack over the price of the "most beautiful dress I've ever tried on" while her friends and the store clerk were looking at me..... All the while in my head I'm thinking, "this dress will be worn ONE time... ONE TIME and never to be seen again!  This is insane!  I cannot allow this to happen!" I had a price in my head that I thought was reasonable to pay for a dress that would be worn ONE time and this dress was way above that amount.  I felt myself starting to sweat..... So I say, "Sarah, this dress is more than I had planned on spending" The room got silent.... (remember, this is prom, not her wedding).  The sales clerk leaves and returns to say, "that dress is on sale".  I kid you not, when we got to the register, it came to EXACTLY the amount I had in my head!  

"The Dress"

"The Shoes"

Let's not forget hair, make-up and spray tan.  Appointments made for all a month and a half in advance!  I will forever be grateful for Erin and Lydia, two of Sarah's friends who met her at her hair appointment and then went to her makeup appointment, came to the house and helped her get dressed and literally I think enjoyed the day of preparation as much as Sarah did!  That they shared this special day with Sarah meant a lot to her!  

Erin, Sarah and Lydia

Erin, Sarah and Lydia

The Chosen Date:  Meet Jake Fowler!  

Jake and Sarah have known each other for several years through church.  Jake is a year older and I will say, one of the greatest young men I know!  He doesn't know a stranger, personality to the max and just an overall solid guy.  I knew that they would have a fantastic time!


The normal "pinning on the boutonniere" pictures!  Trying of course not to stick Jake with the pin!

Sarah didn't know, but Eric was letting Jake drive them to prom in his BMW.  I wonder if Eric was giving him the "rules" along with that handshake!

Jake and Eric

Sarah's best friend in high school is Haley Menzies.  They both looked stunning that night and I love that years from now they will look back on pictures and be filled with fun memories!

Sarah and her best friend Haley Menzies

Of course you can't go to prom without pictures with your siblings and your parents!  

Lizzie, Sarah and Emily

Myself, Jake, Sarah and Eric

I will say that when all was said and done and when Sarah walked down the stairs, she was breathtaking.  Absolutely stunning.  I know she's my child and I'm obligated to say that, but believe me when I say, she looked like a princess! 


I'm forever thankful to have these moments with my girls.  I treasure them and I don't take them for granted.  

"That's Why I'm Here": The Chris and Stefanie Spielman Story

I just finished watching Chris on Fox & Friends talking about his newly released book.   I will forever consider it a true blessing to have known Stefanie for 12 short years.  I met Stefanie when we moved to Columbus, Ohio.  I joined a women's group that raised money for the Children's Hospital.  I believe it was 2-3 months after we joined this group that Stefanie was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  


I don't want to take anything away from the book and I'm not saying this because I know Chris and was friends with Stefanie but YOU NEED TO READ THIS BOOK!  I don't even like football (sorry Chris) and I enjoyed reading those parts!!  


Stefanie died the day after mine and Eric's 20th wedding anniversary.  We were in Mexico celebrating when I got an email from a friend saying she had passed.  I will never forget the plane ride home, it was at night and I was in the window seat.  I had my eyes closed and I was praying for Chris, for their children and knowing that she was no longer in pain, I felt a calmness and a vision came into my mind of Stefanie wrapped in God's arms and I heard very clearly, "Job well done my faithful servant, job well done"  That moment will stay with me forever and I'm thankful for knowing Stefanie.  


Chris Spielman on Fox & Friends
http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/fox-friends/index.html#/v/1614657203001/chris-spielman-tackles-cancer/?playlist_id=86912


Link for the book:


http://www.amazon.com/Thats-Why-Im-Here-ebook/dp/B005PMY1MQ/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2

And if you are on Facebook, simply search Chris Spielman and "Like" his page.  You will be encouraged on a daily basis.  


Live each day as if it were the last one you are given.  We all fall short of this.  Love others, show kindness, lend a hand.  Offer encouraging words, be a positive example and think, "how do I want others to remember me?"


The bible verse Stefanie held on to:


Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Thank you Stef for your friendship, thank you Chris for sharing so much of your life.  

Christmas 2011, New Year's and turning 50

Christmas 2011 has come and gone, we've rung in the New Year 2012 and I'm turning 50.  


Christmas was spent with Eric, the girls and Eric's parents, Money and Nancy.    We have the pleasure of being in driving distance from Money and Nancy and that they are still willing and able to make the 12 hour drive!   They are 76 and 72 and it hit me this year as I wondered how many more Christmases we will be able to do this.  At some point the drive will be too much for them.  I also realized that I wanted to make sure that I had all of Nancy's holiday recipes.  I do, but she always adds or deletes something in the recipe to make it her own!  These are things I need to know!  


I feel like this sounds a bit morbid and it's certainly not meant to!  It just hit me this Christmas that our time together is precious and we have no idea when the big guy will call us home so I'm feeling a sense of getting things in order.  


And have I mentioned I'm turning 50 this year?  It's not until October which I understand is 10 months away..... but it's freaking me out just a bit.  Turning 30 was terrible for me, 40 was great!  I loved my 40's so much!!  But 50?  Not sure how friendly we're going to be towards each other.  


Ok so back to Christmas.  The highlight of the week was when Eric was messing with the oven and accidentally changed the temperature from farenheit to celsius.  Nancy was baking chex mix, it was in the oven about 5 minutes, I turn to see smoke coming from the oven!  Now that was exciting!  


Gift giving/receiving was nice and fun as always!  The girls enjoyed buying presents for each other and put thought into what they got each other so that was fun to watch!  Nancy scored big time on one of her gifts for the girls!  She called me and said that she had gotten a coupon to purchase fleece blankets with a picture on it.  I told her it was a brilliant idea!  The girls were thrilled with them!

iPads were the big gift for the girls this year.  They of course, love them.  Emily had wanted one, Sarah and Lizzie hadn't asked for them.  It was interesting because as Emily was doing the happy dance, Sarah and Lizzie were contemplating if they would really use it.  Wow.  We of course told them to make 100% sure because if not, we would return them.  We loved that they thought enough not to open them up, power them up and then say "I don't think I want it". They decided they did want to keep them and haven't looked back!  

We brought in the New Year at home like we always do.  The girls had some friends over, Emily made some healthy food and we ordered pizza!  At 11:30pm we all head down to the basement to watch the ball drop.  We watched the Dick Clark New Year's Eve show and I have to say that I'm saddened to watch him.  It made me sad last year and sad again this year.  On the one hand I think that at least he is on there and pushing forward but on the other hand, it's hard to understand him when he talks so that makes it sad to watch him.  But back to the New Year!  Honestly, I was ready for bed at 9:30pm.  I did laundry.... fun.  Kept the kitchen cleaned up... double fun.  Just waiting for midnight to yell Happy New Year so I could head to bed to then be up at 7am to shower and head to church!  It was awesome, we typically have anywhere from 60-80 jr high kids at our 9:15am service and we had approximately 18..... Happy New Year!!  


Have I mentioned that I'm turning 50 this year???  Ahhhhh!  I feel that this will not be my only blog on turning 50.  Why do I hate that age so much?  I know I should embrace it and be thankful, blah blah blah.  But 50?  I feel old just saying the numbers.  

Suicide and the affects it has on many.

October 1, 2011 will forever be remembered in a sad way.  That evening, I received a phone call saying that a Alain Giannone had taken his life that morning.  Alain was from Portugal, worked for our trainer and was like a big brother to Emily, Sarah and Lizzie.  I became friends with his mom Sharon via Facebook and we chatted often.  Alain referred to me as his American mom and the girls as his little sisters.  At shows, he was protective of the girls and made sure guys didn't flirt too much with them!!  He was a talented rider and his smile lit up a room!

Alain Giannone

To say the girls were devastated is an understatement.  Alain was 28 so he was old enough to give them "brotherly advice" yet young enough hang with them and not embarrass them! :)

The girls couldn't understand why Alain would do this, they wondered if they had talked to him more often, maybe he wouldn't have killed himself.  So many things they didn't understand.  I was sad and then I was angry.  I was angry that he did this and how it affected so many people.  The other part of my brain knew that there were obviously more demons following him than most knew.  I was angry that I had to tell my daughters that someone dear to them had taken his life.  I was angry when I had to make the phone call to Emily and tell her and then listen to her cry.  I was angry when Lizzie lay in her bed crying saying she didn't understand and how much it hurt.  I was angry when the reality hit Sarah and held her when she cried.  I was angry when I thought of his mother.... knowing her heart had been ripped out.  I was angry but knew I had to forgive him because I didn't want to be consumed by the anger.

On the Wednesday after Alain died, my phone rang and when I looked at the long list of numbers, I knew it was his mother Sharon.  Hearing her voice almost dropped me to my knees.  The heart of a mother, while not knowing the full extent of the pain, understands the pain.  Sharon said that she wanted me to know how much Alain thought of me and the girls.  How he spoke of the girls and their riding and that he always referred to me as "mom" and the girls as his little sisters.  I will forever be grateful of that phone call.  It meant so much to me.

Emily, Sarah and Lizzie all went to Ocala, Florida to Alain's Celebration of Life.  Sarah and Lizzie were already scheduled to go and ride that weekend and Emily drove in from Georgia.  I had mixed emotions of them going because of how raw their feelings still were but knew that it would be important in the closure for them.  Although it was not how they had wanted to meet Alain's parents and brother, they were thankful they did.

I know that Alain is watching the girls and is smiling.  I know that he is no longer in pain.  Of course I wish I had known or had some inkling of an idea, we all do.  Suicide takes on a life (death) of it's own.  It consumes the person, the pain they feel is so real and they just want their pain to end.  What they don't realize is the pain so many feel because of it.  Lives are forever changed, families will never be the same, the lives they touched will now have a void.

I think of Alain often and I am so sad that his life was cut short.  But I'm thankful for the year and a half we knew him!  It was a good season!  We will see you again.

German Citizens!!

We have just arrived home from Chicago.  Eric, Sarah, Lizzie and I went to the German Consulate today so that they could be naturalized as German citizens.  I've had several people ask my why so here is the story.

Eric's father was born in Germany and lived there until he was 3 years old.  Their family was forced to leave by the Nazis.  They were stripped of their citizenship and had to leave on a boat with whatever belongings they could carry with them.  Eric's grandfather was a lawyer in Germany.  When they arrived in the USA, they moved to Boston.  Speaking no English whatsoever, Ludwig (Eric's grandfather) put himself through law school while working to support his wife and two small sons.  Ludwig became a lawyer in the USA and he worked for many years helping Germans in the USA retrieve what money, property, etc they had in Germany.  He was even paid with a painting that my in-laws still have.  

About a year ago, Eric was reading some articles and one was about ways to get a second citizenship.  He found information that showed that the German government was trying to right the wrong of many years past.  Since the family's citizenship had been taken from them, there was now the opportunity to restore it to current family members.  If a family left on their own, this did not apply to them.  Eric talked to his father about this and after getting copies and information, Eric contacted the German Consulate.  Eric and the girls were able to become citizens of Germany, having dual citizenship.  This process took about a year to complete, only because a few months went by where nothing was done on our end because "life" got busy!!  

What does this mean for us?  Eric, Sarah, Lizzie and Emily will be able to live in Germany and the EU countries.  They are able to work, the girls can go to college (free)!  When the girls have children of their own, they will automatically be German citizens as well.  What does this mean for me?  I get to tag along..... !!  It won't be as easy for me, but I'm thrilled for them!  I was told today that I can easily get a green card if I wanted!!  

When we sat at the table with the lady and she said, "When I hand you these papers, you will be German citizens, congratulations to you"  I don't think that the girls realized what a huge thing it was and exactly what it meant and even the meaning behind why they were able to get it.  Much heartache had to happen for them to receive it.  

Emily's paperwork was sent to the Atlanta Consulate and she will go there to receive her Citizenship.  Because she is over 18, she can do this on her own.  

We went and had lunch and Sarah said, "We an go buy horses in Europe now!"  She wants to learn German so we'll see how that goes!!  


So it was a big day for us! 

 

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy Birthday Dad.
Today my dad would be 67 years old.  So hard to believe it’s been 13 years since he passed away.  I would like to think that he is up in heaven chasing women and out on a boat wearing sunglasses with a huge smile on his face!!
 He was 54 when he died, far too young.  His lifestyle caught up with him.  His demon (the bottle) got the better of him.  I get angry at times because he missed out on seeing his granddaughters grow up.  Emily was 5, Sarah 19 mos and Lizzie 2 weeks.  I have pictures of him with Emily, oh how he loved that girl!  Sarah made him laugh even in the short time she was around him.  I took Lizzie as a newborn in her carrier to the hospital to see him.  I know he was proud even as he was dying.  I remember being so angry that he chose this path but also knew that the path was bigger and stronger than him.
 I wish he could see the girls and how they’ve grown into beautiful young ladies and see the accomplishments they’ve done so far.  I know that his big wonderful smile would never leave his face!
I went through a file this morning of some of his papers, birth certificate, baby book, army info and finally his death certificate.  When I looked at it I noticed my signature on it.  I’m certain I was numb because I don’t remember signing it but it makes me sad to see my signature on my dad’s death certificate.
As I was getting ready this morning I asked God to tell my dad happy birthday and that I love him. 

Changes...

What a crazy summer this has been!  I knew this summer was going to go fast, I was just hoping for a slower speed!
School ended, horse showing started, Emily’s grad party and then graduation.  Did I mention horse showing?  Em going to UGA for Orientation, horse showing, oh, and more horse showing!  In between all this, volunteering at church which keeps me so grounded.
Taking a step back and seeing changes start to happen in our family relationships, family dynamics, etc.  I saw a shift between Emily with Sarah and Lizzie.  She mentioned to me that she felt that over the summer they were becoming better friends.  They spent more time away from each other this summer and I think that made a big impact as well.  I saw friendship relationships change and grow, going off to college makes you realize and appreciate things in a different way.  I know this is going to sound strange but I think that the hardest part of Em leaving for college was the day that she and Hannah had their last goodbye.  We have often wondered if we should claim Hannah on our taxes — this might give you some idea of the relationship!  I do believe the tears lasted an hour or more and it was heartwrenching.  Change is not always bad, it does make you realize who and what is important in your life.
Another change, Sarah started Drivers Ed!  Wow, that middle, somewhat quiet child will soon have her permit and will be bugging me to drive!!  Sarah and her friend Kristen have enjoyed the summer decorating Kristen’s basement and decided that our TV room needed some changing.  So together they drew a plan and got the IKEA catalog and presented ideas and prices to Eric.  He was quite impressed and when Kristen returns from Italy, our TV room will be transformed!
I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with Lizzie at our last horse show in Kentucky.  With Em in college and Sarah driving, it was just Lizzie and I off to the horse show!  What a great time hanging out with her and watching her master Mallory’s motorbike!  And watching her ride and hearing her little 6 year old voice say to me while watching the jumpers “Mom, I want to do that.  I want to go fast and feel the wind blow through my hair”  And seeing her do it and knowing it’s what she loves!
Ahh changes will happen and we need to embrace it and know that we are along for the ride.  As my friend Christine said to me quoting her mother, “God knows my journey, I’m along for the ride, I am His Soldier”