The Nine Month Friendship....

Life and death go hand in hand.  You can't have one without the other.  

One week and one day ago I lost a dear friend to ALS.  Lucinda Hathaway was 79 years old, originally diagnosed with PLS (Primary Lateral Sclerosis) which is similar to, and can be a gateway to ALS.  In Lucinda's case, she was dealt both.  We never know or understand why things happen the way they do and why things happen to certain people.  This is the story of my short yet unforgettable friendship with Lucinda.

How we met:  It was the first week of November, 2018.  Eric and I had just moved to Florida in August.  I was meeting new neighbors and getting into some routines, one of which was yoga, which I had that morning and was running late and needed to take Lola out to the bathroom quickly before I left.  Walking down the street I see a woman with white hair and a big smile standing in her driveway.  We make eye contact, wave and because I talk to everyone, I had to go say hi!  Still needing to get to yoga, I was going to introduce myself and be on my way.  As I approached her, after her amazing smile, I was met with her bright  blue eyes!  I introduced myself.  She started texting on her phone and a voice started speaking "I'm Lucinda, I can't talk" to which I replied "Well, I talk a lot so I don't think we will have a problem!"  She smiled and asked if she could walk with me.  I had a split second where I almost said, "Gosh, I'm running late to yoga, can we do it another time?" to "Absolutely, let's go!"  Skipping class that morning was the best decision.....  

We started having daily walks with Lola.  I learned that my new friend was an artist, an author of two children's books and a world traveler.  Constantly on the move, teaching local art classes whether in Florida or Maine.  Taking women on history and stitchery trips to Ireland, Scotland, England etc.  Lucinda was always on the go, so vibrant and full of life!  

One of our many selfies! 12/12/18

I began to see glimpses of myself in Lucinda and while I imagined that had we been the same age, we would've been great friends doing life together, here we were, ages 56 and 78, knowing there was no cure for Lucinda and me trying desperately to learn all I could from her in the unknown time we had.  

12/6/18

In January 2019 Lucinda offered to teach Mike Seamon and I art lessons!  While Mike and I were thrilled and acted like school kids, which meant that Lucinda had her work cut out for her!  But being the true teacher she is, on our first day she had printed out sheets for us with tons of information and color combinations etc.  While she couldn't physically speak, she commanded the table and we listened!  She would write on a dry erase board and hit the table with her hand when she needed our attention!  She would punch her fist in the air when she wanted our colors to be bolder!  Her eyes would light up and she would give us a thumbs up when our painting was good and if it wasn't just so..... she would stare at the painting then write what we needed to improve on!  Her last painting was 3 weeks before she died.  She had stopped painting a week or two before because it was too difficult to hold a brush and too frustrating for her.  I asked her if she and I could do one together.  She agreed, she did the outline and I painted it. This painting is so very special to me.   This woman who was being faced with new challenges in her life was challenging and encouraging us to do better!  We met every Tuesday morning so of course my painting became #TuesdaysWithLucinda.  

Our last painting together 8/6/19

Painting on the dock, until it started raining and we scurried inside! 4/2/19

Lucinda was involved with the Longboat Key Turtle Watch so we decided to have two of our paintings turned into notecards and donate them to the annual fundraiser!  Lucinda, Mike and I were named the Kitchen Table Painters by Lucinda.  Mike and I were shocked that people actually paid money for our notecards but we figured it was because they were grouped in the Lucinda's!!

Lucinda giving me to do lists with a smile! 4/24/19

Lucinda always giving direction! 4/24/19

Our final product!  4/24/19

Lucinda and I decided that on our walks, we would stop and sit on the bench by the bus stop.  This was the bus stop that never came!  We would laugh as we watched the cars go by because we were certain that people thought we were crazy!!

Feb 28, 2019

April 1, 2019

I discovered that Lucinda didn't have her first pedicure until the age of 50.  You know what that meant!  Off we went to get pedicures!

April 4, 2019

By April Lucinda was starting to get a little unsteady on her feet.  When we would walk, she would always hold my arm and we were walking a bit slower but we WERE WALKING!!  Never one to stop, Lucinda added a walking friend and off we went!!  While she had a smile on her face 97% of the time, Lucinda and I also had some hard conversations during this time because she was starting to see the decline.  I remember one day in particular, we sat in my driveway and she cried, wrote out her frustrations to me and I listened.  I like to think I was a sounding board for her, I was someone she could vent to and I didn't try and tell her it would be ok.  We both knew it wouldn't.  

April 7, 2019

May 25, 2019

At some point in June we had to quit taking our walks down the street.  That didn't stop Lucinda from doing laps around the living/dining room with her walker and lifting her 1lb weights.  I'm not sure I've ever seen someone fight like she did.  In one of our talks, she told me, "I'm not afraid of dying because I know where I'm going, but I'm afraid of losing control.  She would soon be confined to a chair in the living room but she was determined to have art at the kitchen table for as long as she could.

June 25, 2019

June 25, 2019

Being in the pool was another great thing to keep Lucinda moving.  With assistance, once she got in and had her noodle, she would do laps around the pool!!

June 3, 2019

June 3, 2019

June 30, 2019 - Lucinda and Jack celebrated 53 years of marriage!  I loved sitting with them and listening to them talk about how they met and their short courtship!

June 30, 2019

July 4, 2019 - I stopped in that evening and we heard fireworks go off

July 4, 2019

Art class was now taking place in the living room but we didn't mind as long as we were all together!

July 19, 2019

July 19, 2019

July 19, 2019

Eric and I were leaving on a trip that we had planned for a while.  We were flying out August 10th, returning August 26th and I was quite anxious because of Lucinda.  Her decline was showing daily.  I knew it was very selfish of me but I didn't want her to die while I was gone.  The night before I left, I was at her house and before I left I looked her in the eye and said "I will see you in two weeks"  She smiled and gave me a thumbs up.  I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her.

August 26, 2019 - Our flight arrived midnight in Tampa, we got home 1:40am and I went straight to Lucinda's.  As I held her hand, she squeezed mine and tapped my hand with her finger.  I thanked her for waiting for me.  I stayed until 3:15am.

August 27, 2019 - I went down two other times and when I held her hand, there was no response like earlier that morning.  I went down at 9:30pm and said goodnight.

August 28, 2019  3:38am - Lucinda passed away

August 29, 2019 - 4am    Lizzie and I got in the car and drove to Columbus, Ohio to move her there.

I will be forever grateful for meeting Lucinda.  We had so many laughs together, we could finish each others sentences and we could look at each other and know what the other was thinking!  Then we would laugh about that!   I learned so much from her.  I will close with something I wrote for her before I left for the two weeks.  I sent it to her daughters and asked, if they thought it wouldn't upset her too much, if they would read it to her.  I don't believe they could and I totally understand because I wouldn't have been able to!!  But I feel strongly that even though I wrote it all out, Lucinda knew.....

My dear friend Lucinda,
I wanted to tell you how much your friendship means to me! The day we met, when you were standing in your driveway and I was walking Lola and we waved, I introduced myself to you, you text on your phone and a voice came from your phone saying, “I’m Lucinda, I cannot speak” I remember saying, “Well that’s not a problem because I talk a lot!” You smiled and I knew we would be friends! What I never told you was when you asked if you could walk with us, I was rushing because I was running late for yoga and needed to let Lola go to the bathroom quick! I had a split second thought of “Oh I’m heading to yoga, can we do it another time?” and instead I said, “Of course!” Meeting you that day was so worth skipping yoga! That became a routine for us, me coming down with Lola and the 3 of us taking a walk down the street. That extended to walking around the church and eventually you decided we should sit on the bench on Gulf of Mexico and chat as we watched the cars go by and laugh! We laughed because we could only imagine what a sight we were and people must think we were nuts!
I started to learn more about you, not only as a wife, mother and grandmother but an artist, author and world traveler! Learning about all the facets of your life, I see so much of myself in you (not the watercoloring part but I will continue to push myself!) and so many times I’ve

thought, that while I’m so incredibly thankful to have met you, I also feel cheated because we don’t have the luxury of time. Now I understand how people who do speed dating must feel, trying to get to know someone in a specified amount of time.... Damn you ALS.
I was thinking the other day that although I’ve only known you without a voice, I feel like we have amazing communication. What I love is that we can look at each other and somehow know what the other is thinking! I think our communication is so easy because we just get each other and we can finish each others sentences!
You have taught me so much in 9 months.... I’ve learned that you have more fight in you than any other person I know. You told me you knew this was a death sentence, you knew the end result, yet you keep pushing. That has probably had the biggest impact on me. I will never feel like something is too big for me to handle and I thank you for that lesson.
Your smile!!! Oh my gosh your smile literally lights up a room! I can see why people are so drawn to you and why you have friends all over the world!
You are one of the most humble people I know! The things you’ve done, the places you’ve traveled, the books you’ve written, the lives you’ve touched and there is not one ounce of boastful pride. Thank you for that lesson!
I’ve learned to pick up a brush, dip it into some paint and create some amazing and not so amazing art! Because of

you, I’ve learned to push myself out of my comfort zone. Because of you I now look at things and wonder what it would look like as a painting.... and that’s a beautiful thing. Life should be looked at like that!
I have always had empathy for others and a love of helping others, but because of you, I’ve discovered that the heart truly has no limits. I will always choose love over hate and I will continue to choose to speak kindness and positivity over negativity.
Because of you, I’ve learned to not take one day for granted. Because of you I’ve learned it’s ok to talk about death and we should talk about it. I’ve learned the importance of real conversation. I’ve learned to look people in the eyes more. I’ve learned to really listen. I’ve learned to pause before I respond and I’ve learned to say I Love You more. I’ve learned to not hold grudges, I’ve learned to forgive quicker. I’ve learned that life isn’t fair and that we don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and enjoy life.
You told me you’re not afraid to die because you know where you are going and I couldn’t agree more. When that day comes, the only thing that will make it tolerable is knowing you are no longer in pain. Knowing that you will be free from this horrific disease, you will take the biggest, deepest breath and knowing there will be a huge party upon your arrival!

It was no accident we met, we were meant to be in each others lives if only for a short time and I will be forever grateful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with you.
I’m a better person because of you Cinda.
I love you, Sharon

The year 2015, a clean slate.

Am I the only one that is looking at the entire year as a clean slate? Does this mean that 2014 was horrible? No. Does it mean it had more moments that I wish hadn't happen? Most likely yes... Do the good moments outweigh the bad? ABSOLUTELY.  So then, why is it that the bad moments are the ones that get put on repeat in my brain? 

My goal for 2015 is to train my brain to highlight the good more than the bad. 

If I'm to be honest, I will tell you that 2014 was an emotionally/spiritually  challenging year for me.  I won't go into detail because that would involve other people and their hearts and that's just unfair. My heart was tested more than I thought possible by family near and far and by walking through the fire with a friend as she fights her own battle.  

Spiritually: Pretty much felt like I was in the valley the entire year.  Have you ever felt that way? Feeling spiritually numb? Yep, that was me in 2014.  I went through all the motions, church, women's bible study and volunteering.  I did what I was supposed to do but for me, the passion and the hunger was missing. I do believe that without my women's small group, I might have slipped down that hole.... I am certain that they will read this and be like, "I had NO idea!" and "why didn't you talk to us?!" But for me, having the commitment and the time with them kept my head above water as I was treading through the year.  This group of women kept the flame alive.  They are my spiritual rope and pull me up when I'm sinking.  If you don't have a group or person that is your spiritual rope, I highly recommend it.  Maybe you are that rope for someone. We all need someone to pull us up when we are slipping.

Emotionally: I am a mom to 3 daughters (ages 22, 19, 17) and I'm quite certain that menopause is lurking very close by! So given the ages of our daughters and me in mid-life, I'd say the emotional roller coaster could be a part of our life for a while! So given that, I have to learn to take a very deep breath.  I have to learn to think before I speak. I have to learn that repeating myself 15-20 times might be a bit overkill.  I have to learn to let go. (WHAT?? *&^%##%^$) Ok, maybe I start with baby steps! I have to learn that people, including myself, only post the good on social media!!!  Oh, if our lives were really how we portray them to be.... I mean, everything I post is true but I only post the good, the happy, the motivating, the "everything is roses" because honestly people, you don't want me to post the messy stuff!!  Besides, we all have messy stuff, messy lives, we are hurt, we are broken, we are a mess! And that's just part of life!  

So with all the good and all the messy, 2015 is a clean slate.  Let's all start fresh, let's reach for those that keep our head above water, let's be present in the lives of those that means the most to us.  Let's remember that family, no matter how emotional they make us, they are OURS and no matter what, those people will be the ones standing, waiting, hugging, loving and forgiving us when we are at our worst! Let's try and be a little more gentle with them, after all, they will be around the longest.....

To The Women in My Circle

When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend and then I started to become a woman.
Then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up it will show you the best in many friends.
One friend’s best is needed when you’re going through things with your guy.  Another friend’s best is needed when you’re going through things with your Mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke or just be.  One friend will say “Let’s pray together”, another “Let’s walk away together…”
One friend will meet your spiritual needs, another your shoe fetish, another your love for movies, another will be with you in your season of confusion, another will be your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings…  But whatever the assignment in your life, on whatever occasion, on whatever the day, or whenever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes and hair pulled back or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself… those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many it’s wrapped up in several.  One from 7th grade, one from high school, several from the college years, a couple from old jobs, several from church; on some days it’s your mother, on others your sister, and on some days it’s the one that you needed just for that day or week - that you needed someone with a fresh perspective, or the one who didn’t know your baggage, or the one who would just listen without judging… they are good girlfriends/bestfriends.  Men are wonderful, husbands are excellent, boyfriends are awesome, male friends are priceless… but if you’ve ever had a real good friend, then you know there’s nothing like her.
Thank you God, for girlfriends.. those who honor your intimacy, those who honor trust, and those who just guide you back when you feel like life is just too heavy.  The special bond we share, that’s unique to us.  The words we’ve shared.  The prayers we’ve sent up.  The laughter, the tears, the phone calls, the e-mails, the shopping, the movies, the lunches, the dinners, the late night talks, afternoon talks, the weekend talks, all the talking, talking, talking and listening, listening, listening.
Thank you for being in my circle.