Slowly retiring from my full-time job...

                                    Job Description: MOM

Duties: Anything and everything, things you knew you could do and things you had no idea you were capable of doing, things that make you laugh and things that make you fall to the floor in a pile of goo and cry.

Length of employment: Forever

I joined the workforce of MOM in 1992.  I took on additional jobs in 1995 and 1997.  This is the hardest job I've EVER had.  Seriously, the hardest.  So hard that I wish I had added more jobs to my resume.  (There has to be a little crazy in there somewhere to keep adding on job after job!) 

I have been fortunate to work full time at my job. But my full time job has been fading into part time over the last few years.  I've seen it coming, the writing on the wall.... your jobs start to be taken over by themselves.  You know that's how it should be but you really want to keep your full time job.  I mean come on, no one knows this job the way I do right?! How can this job have any idea what it takes to see it through the day?! And yet, it does....  or it doesn't and the job will now have it's own growing pains and learning curves.

I have mixed feelings of heading into semi-retirement. The freedom that comes with it feels exciting yet scary and at times I feel bad about being excited!! Sometimes I feel like we should get more dogs. I've mentioned this to Eric on several occasions and he walks out of the room.... The scary part is that sometimes I feel like our "jobs" will no longer need us when the reality is that they do, and they will.  It will just be on a whole new level.  

I'm choosing to embrace the joy that will come from being an empty nester.  I'm wanting to go from room to room purging and this makes Eric very nervous... In truth, I've been purging over the last year and I do it when he is out of town! The amount of "stuff" accumulated over the years is mind boggling! We have some boxes in the basement labeled "LAKE HOUSE" that I swear to you has been there for 10+ years. I'm guessing that when the day comes that I get my lake house, I will not want what is in those boxes... 

Our youngest is graduating high school in one week. ONE WEEK!!! CRAP! So much to do!!! And yet I sit here procrastinating... or maybe I've realized that everything will get done and it will all be fine.  Nope... procrastinating for sure... but as usual, when I get so overwhelmed with what needs to be done, I just sit because I can't decide what to do first. The washing machine just beeped that it's done, there is a pile of clothes in a chair that needs to be folded, there are rooms that need to be cleaned because we have company coming into town starting Sunday!!!  And yet, I sit here... The reality is that I will shove things in unused rooms/closets and shut the door and say to myself, "I'll do all that after the kids leave for college" 

Oh and if you need me, I'll most likely be looking at pictures and getting all emotional, because it's just what I do....

  

Love comes in many forms....

When Lizzie was in 4th grade, that Christmas she said to me, "Mom, I need to buy a Christmas gift for my friend Alex." Alex was her friend from church. So we went to the mall and purchased a gift for Alex. The next year rolls around, and at Christmas Lizzie again says, "Mom, I need to buy a gift for my friend Alex" So we go to the mall and buy this child a gift, who I've never met.... When 6th grade rolls around and Lizzie says, "Mom, I need to buy my friend Alex a Christmas gift", I think to myself, "I should probably meet Alex"!!  I met this freckle faced little girl who just lit up the room when she spoke and smiled! Alex became such a regular part of our family and at times it was hard to know that she wasn't really one of ours! Lizzie has been just as much a part of the Graham family as Alex is a van der Walde! Lizzie has been on vacation with Alex and the two have been to countless concerts and sporting events! 

Somewhere in Middle School

These two have been through the most awkward phases together. They've loved and they've fought. But in the end, they've always been there for each other. 

I can't imagine these two not remaining friends for life.  They will most likely drift, as most friendships do, but I can see them always returning to each other. The safe one.

But I will admit that the most emotion part for me was tonight.  When I arrived at Alex's home for dinner, the eve of her leaving for college.  Eric and I arrive, say our hello's and give out my hugs.  The next thing I know is Alex presenting me with a framed photo of she and I from her Graduation party. 

 I'm holding a sign that reads "2nd Mom".  I start to cry.  I hear Lizzie say, "See I told you she would cry" and then  hear Alex's mom say, "Alex, I told you not to give that to her until the end!"  The words I wanted to speak but knew that I would cry like a baby.... what I wanted to say but couldn't:

"I am so incredibly proud of you Alex.  I'm so proud of the person you are.  I love your heart, your smile, your dedication, your flaws, your mistakes, your accomplishments, the mistakes you will make, the things I know you will accomplish and above all else, I adore the moments spent with you.  I've loved watching you grow into the young woman you are and look forward to watching you mature and grow even more.  I love you like one of my own and I would jump in front of a moving vehicle for you!  Enjoy this next chapter of your life.  Remember that you will have good times and you will have hard times.  You will be on top of the world and you will fall hard.  Remember those that are there to pick you up and the love they have for you! Embrace the moments and always stop to remember them. Cherish the memories and above all else, know that you are loved!" 

Letter to my graduating senior.

The first question I have is, "how did we get here so fast?"


I swear it feels like last week when your dad and I brought you home from the hospital.  I remember looking at you and thinking that this moment would last forever and you would stay wrapped up in a blanket in my arms.  I'm not quite sure how 18 years literally flew by but it did.  


I had read that when your child reaches their Senior year in High School, they become, at times, hard to live with. They are trying to separate themselves and to assert their independence.  I read that this transition makes going off to college easier on the parents!  This is a true statement to some degree!


Please know that I am so happy for you and I'm so excited for this new chapter in your life!  My brain knows this but my heart feels something different.  


I will try and explain what is going on inside my head and heart.  In my head I know that this is the next step in life and you are going to grow on many levels.  When you complete your first year of college, you will be a different person than you are now.  You will understand this in time.  In my head I know that you are going to have challenges and there will be decisions you are going to have to make on your own and this is a part of growing up.  In my head I know that you will probably fall on your face a few times and have to get up and figure it out on your own and that this too, is part of life.  


Here is what is happening in my heart:


Every time you leave for school, I know it's one day closer to graduating and another day closer to college.  I want time to slow way down.


I realize that it's your last dance, or prom or homecoming and I just want to cherish that moment.  So if I tell you that I want to take more pictures, don't get mad, please know that I'm savoring the moment and I want to be able to look at the pictures over and over and over.


I know that you are over the edge excited about leaving for college but know that when you say, "I can't wait for my freedom!", while my head says, "it's ok, it's normal", my heart feel something different.


Your senior year, in particular is very emotional for me.  While I am planning for your Graduation, Grad party, College, etc., I will have more moments of reminiscing.  If you walk into a room and I'm sitting quietly looking through old things of yours, don't think this is silly or dumb.  Come sit with me and let's look through it together.  If I get a bit emotional, give me a hug and try to remember that you've been under my roof for 18 years and it's been my job to raise you, to take care of you and yes, prepare you for this time.  While I've been busy preparing you for this time, I've forgotten to prepare myself.  But I feel that as a Mom, we are not ever prepared.  


I will talk more about when you were a baby, toddler, young child.  Don't think this is silly or dumb but understand that my heart is wanting to go back to those moments and sit a while longer.  


I will cry.... a lot.  Don't take this as all bad.  I will be crying because yes, I am so incredibly sad that I blinked and you were off to college but I will be crying because I'm happy for you!  I'm happy for your accomplishments and I'm happy for the person you are and for what lies ahead for you.  


If I walk into your room and sit on your bed, welcome me.  Talk to me about your day, your thoughts, your fears, your joys.  Remember that for me, I know that when you are off to college, I won't be able to do this.  My heart needs this.  Our relationship will be better because of it.


Remember the things we taught you when you are faced with challenges because there will be bigger ones in college.  Remember your morals, your values and your integrity.  Hold on to those.  Remember that you ALWAYS have a choice.  Remember that the choices you make can and will be positive or negative and you determine that outcome.  Take responsibility for your choices.   Pray.  Don't blame others. Pray.  Look past the moment.  Pray.  Be a leader.  Pray.  Be a friend.  Study.  Study some more.  


Because of the internet, much of what you do will be posted in some social media.  Choose wisely.  Ask yourself, "Do I want this showing up in a few years?"  "How do I want others to perceive me?"  "Do I want a potential employer to see this?" "Do I want my grandma to see this?"  "Do I want my high school pastor to see this?"  Think before you post!  You will thank me, I promise!


Most of all, have fun and enjoy these years because as you will see, they will fly by all too fast!  You will make lifelong friends during your college years.  You will have some amazing opportunities come your way.  Enjoy them!  Take advantage of them!